Please Letme Kiss Your Prick Again

Beloved songs are where we get our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.

Nothing skillful tin can come of this. Photograph past Achim Voss/Flickr.

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Throughout human being history, oceans accept been crossed, mountains take been scaled, and groovy families have blossomed — all because of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a eye and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.

On the other hand, that time y'all told that girl you simply started seeing that you would "take hold of a grenade" for her? You did that because of a love vocal. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to "lose your number" and motility dorsum to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."

"It'southward just, my mom. Yous know? And L.A. is so hot in the summer. And yep, my mom." Photo via iStock.

That time you held that nail box over your caput outside your ex's house? You did that because of a love song. And l hours of community service later, you're still not back together.

Love songs are great. They make our hearts beat faster. They inspire us to take risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give the states terrible, terrible ideas about how actual, real-life human relationships should work.

They're amazing. So amazing. And also terrible.

Here are six beloved songs that sound romantic but aren't, and ane song that doesn't audio romantic simply totally is:

one. "God Only Knows," past The Beach Boys

You can keep your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Get Arounds," and your "Assistance me Rhondas."

When it comes to The Embankment Boys, "God Only Knows" is where it'south at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy tune. A tie-dye swirl of audio. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

I may non always love you

Just long as at that place are stars above you

You never need to doubt it

I'll make you so sure about it

God simply knows what I'd exist without yous

If you're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your dearest and non playing "God Merely Knows" on your iPod, you lot should really stop and start over.

If you're lazily bumping a embankment ball over a volleyball net and "God Just Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the back of your listen, you need to rethink the choices that got you lot to this bespeak.

If y'all're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and y'all're not underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Only Knows," you are doing it incorrect.

Hippies, likely on their style to a mud frolic. Photo by Colin Davey/Getty Images.

It's a song that but feels like love. Pure love. Immature honey. Beloved with a chill, kelp-y vibe.

What could be wrong with that?

Here's why it's actually really, really unromantic:

There'southward zip wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-top notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair as they fall asleep while you whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

"Miles Ryan stood on the back porch of his business firm, smoking a cigarette..." Photo past hatchettebookgroup.biz.

But there is such a matter as loving someone a skosh as well much.

If you lot should ever leave me

Though life would still proceed believe me

The world could prove nothing to me

So what skilful would living do me?

Await, I get it. Breakups suck. In that location'southward no getting around that. But good God.

In that location's a huge difference between saying: "Hey babe, you are my first and foremost everything and I'll be bummed if y'all go." And saying: "Welp, you accepted that job in Seattle, and then I'chiliad just gonna chug a agglomeration of nightshade and phone call it a life."

But that'south pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line...

God just knows what I'd be without you

...horror-movie creepy. Because the answer, evidently, is: "I'd be a corpse!"

Ah well. We had a good run. Photo via iStock.

That'due south not dear. That'due south codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. It'due south a course of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in any relationship — one that, by definition, might one twenty-four hours cease — is putting a lot of eggs in ane handbasket. Certain, God may merely know what y'all'd exist without her, but God probably also hopes yous have, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga course. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.

"Yep! Hell yeah! What was her name again?" Photo past Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Administration.

One person cannot be anyone's be-all and finish-all. It's too stressful. And it prevents you lot from doing you, which is a matter that's gotta be washed earlier you tin can exercise anything else.

No wonder she took that job in Seattle.

two. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars

Sure, it's a breathy rip off of every Michael Jackson song you've always heard. Merely, we don't have Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts go, you could practise a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Look at that face up. That face! Photograph by Brothers Le/Flickr.

Here's why the vocal sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what you lot are

Honey, you're my gold star

You know you can make my wish come truthful

If yous allow me treasure yous

If you let me treasure you lot

Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an 8th-grade make-out political party and you'll probable get an instant price laissez passer on the highway to natural language-boondocks (ew).

Laissez passer them to your spouse and, chances are, engagement night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-yet-passionate frenching.

Laissez passer them to a cop who pulls yous over for running a stop sign, and they volition think you're weird — simply probably still make out with you.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to brand out with America considering of this vocal.

This is what happens when you write "Treasure" and you're on stage with Michelle Obama. Photograph by Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.

And I'm OK with that.

But, here's why "Treasure" isn't as romantic as it seems:

Everything about "Treasure" is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes about gender.

"Children, have I always told you what I shouted at your female parent on the street the start time nosotros met?" Photo by Jacobsen/Getty Images.

Things start to go southward right from the very beginning:

Requite me your, give me your, give me your attention, baby

I gotta tell you lot a little something about yourself

Ah yes. Cypher screams "respect" quite like a man lecturing a foreign adult female on the street about something she "doesn't know about herself."

What could it exist? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she'south got something in her teeth? Could information technology exist that her nonfiction book most early mod German language history is extremely detailed and informative?

"Cheers for teaching me all well-nigh Martin Luther's bible!" Photo by Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Eatables.

Spoiler Alert: It's none of those.

Y'all're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you're a sexy lady

Just you walk around here similar yous wanna be someone else

Oh. It'southward that she's sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.

Word of advice? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she's sexy. Even if she doesn't, it really doesn't affect her twenty-four hours-to-solar day so much that you, a complete stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).

So what if she does want to be someone else? I'd honey to be someone else! I think being Ryan Gosling would exist quite nice. A good way to spend a three-solar day weekend.

Sure, there'd be an adjustment menstruation... Photo past Eamonn K. McCormack/Getty Images.

And and then afterward, of course, the narrator can't assist himself:

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, you should exist smiling

A girl like you lot should never look so blueish.

He respects her so much, he'south actually straight-up telling her to smile! Much similar Mars' character "Uptown Funk," who appears to get off on angrily exhorting girls to "hit [their] hallelujah." Which, you know, I estimate everybody's got a affair.

Yes, in the earth of "Treasure," a healthy human relationship is an unending stream of a man complimenting a foreign woman and said woman being and then totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."

He then proceeds to talk to his potential lover similar the world'south creepiest pirate:

You are my treasure, you are my treasure

Y'all are my treasure, yeah, you, yous, you, you are

You are my treasure, y'all are my treasure

Yous are my treasure, yeah, you, you, you lot, y'all are

Past this indicate, in his listen, she's a literal affair. An object. Which is plumbing equipment.

I suppose information technology could be worse, though. At least she'due south not just any thing.

GIF from "The Two Towers."

That's ... something, right?

iii. "Don't Call back Twice, It's All Right," by Bob Dylan

For every bit long every bit humans have been dating each other, humans have been breaking up with each other. And "Don't Call up Twice" is a portrait of a human relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.

Bob Dylan, a guy who is good at writing songs that a lot of people similar. Photo by William Lovelace/Getty Images.

Hither'due south why it sounds romantic:

Well, it own't no use to sit and wonder why, babe

Even you don't know by now

And it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe

It'll never do somehow

When your rooster crows at the break of dawn

Wait out your window, and I'll exist gone

You're the reason I'yard a-traveling on

But don't think twice, it's all right.

Boom. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation like whoa.

"Don't Think Twice" is a raw vocal. An honest song. A powerful song. It'southward the song your older sister played on continuous loop for six months after her beau left for college. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to go out her banking concern-teller task, load her 4 Australian shepherds into the van, and open a current of air chime store in Mendocino. The song your friend'south cool dad always wants to play when he invited your high school ring over to his flat to jam.

"What timbre are you looking for?" Photo by Sharon Ang/Pixabay.

Sure, it's about the finish of a relationship, but it sounds romantic. And at the end of the 24-hour interval, shouldn't that be enough?

Here's why it'south really sooooo messed up:

Relationships end. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no right way to call it quits with someone, when the grit settles, both parties can certainly benefit from a difficult, honest give-and-take about what went incorrect.

Information technology's non me, Joan. It's you. 100% you. Photo by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.

In "Don't Remember Twice," that discussion basically boils down to: "It's your mistake."

Let's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Recollect Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my heart, only she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, right? You're all like, "Baby, I just take so much unspecified beloved to give," and she's similar, "Have out the trash!" And you lot're like, "But baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my center be plenty?" And she'due south like, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole firm, fed the dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the week. All I need you to practice is take out the trash." And yous're like, "You're aimless me out. I'one thousand gonna become play guitar." And and so she gets all mad! What did you do? Why is she trying to alter yous? UGH!

You lot could have done better, but I don't heed

Yes. You do mind! You lot listen! You lot wrote a song nearly it, you lot passive-aggressive prick.

Y'all just kinda wasted my precious time

Ah yes. Your time is so precious! Remember about all the hours you wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of man partnership when y'all could accept been futzing around with that home-mash kit.

Yeah, this was worth information technology. Photo past Bill Bradford/Flickr.

The infinitesimal you start breaking it down, the message of "Don't Think Twice" suddenly starts to seem a lot less romantic. Similar your sister's ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in boondocks for a while and now might be in jail. Like your aunt'southward wind chime shop, which would have airtight forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Like your friend'south absurd dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying child support.

"Y'all kids want a beer? No one'southward under 13, right?" Photo via iStock.

Oh yeah, and the song'southward narrator likewise point-blank refers woman he's leaving every bit:

A child, I'grand told

That'due south right. In add-on to being a run-of-the-mill passive-aggressive jerk — turns out, he's also possibly a pedophile.

Even if nosotros are to accept that this is a metaphor and she'due south not actually a child — which there'southward no indication it is, just OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly cull an immature partner reflects fashion more poorly on him than it does on her.

Breaking up with anyone in such a cruel, dismissive way is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the point.

iv. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," past John Denver

Who has ii thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk vocal about hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?

This guy. Photo past Hughes Television Network/Wikimedia Eatables.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

"Leaving on a Jet Airplane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness considering jet planes were still kind of new at the time it was written.

'Crusade I'k leavin' on a jet aeroplane

To a modern ear, this would be sort of similar singing, "I'thou a scoooting abroad on my hoverboooooard," just in a way that's somehow still folksy and heartbreaking and singable by 9-year-olds at summer camp. Not like shooting fish in a barrel to do!

Oh babe, I hate to get

You see — he hates to go! He just hates information technology! We know this, considering he tells us he hates information technology. And why would he hate to go if he didn't love his partner merely that much?

See ya! Photograph by Altair78/Wikimedia Commons.

Why indeed?

Here'due south why it's actually not that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the earth can only distract then much from the fact that the song'southward main character is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't really seem similar he hates being away all that much:

There's so many times I've let you down

So many times I've played around

I tell y'all at present, they don't mean a matter

"Babe, I promise! All the movies I watched lone while y'all were home nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sexual activity I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Really fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. Merely residuum assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."

"As empty as this bed I just finished having sex with someone else in." Photo via iStock.

Yes, when you intermission information technology down, "Leaving on a Jet Aeroplane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming altitude and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he'southward "skilful" despite all evidence to the contrary.

And for all he claims to be broken up nigh having to part from his one and but, the dude seems pretty excited almost the flight. Oh, y'all're leaving on a jet aeroplane, are yous? Are you Zone i? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter about the "terrible" Cibo express salad you were forced to choke down every bit you sat waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?

"Life then hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photo past Gesalbte/Wikimedia Eatables.

He continues:

Ev'ry place I go, I'll remember of you

Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for y'all

Ah cool. He'll think nigh her while strumming and making "my love is delicate as the morn dew" eyes at a waif-y grad student in the front row. That pretty much makes up for it all.

Then he demands:

So kiss me and smile for me

Tell me that you'll wait for me

Subsequently all the expose and heartbreak, after basically revealing himself to be a grade-A sleaze who tin't be trusted, he still has the gall to tell her to look? To wait for him?

And hither's the kicker:

When I come up back, I'll bring your nuptials band

Ah yes. He'll put a ring on information technology. Finally.

"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.

Unlike all the previous trips, where he'due south cheated a billion times, drained the family banking company account, and just been a general screwup and disappointment.

Only yep. This time he says he'll bring dorsum a nuptials band.

I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks dorsum.

5. "When a Man Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge

When you expect upwardly "soul" in the dictionary, the book plays you a recording of this song.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo by Gene Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, it plays y'all the very start line.

Here's why it sound very romantic:

When a man loves a adult female

Sure, you tin can write the lyrics down, but information technology doesn't even come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, delicious pain-belting:

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN

Closer ... but even so no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Yes! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

Information technology's an elemental lyric.

It's a heart-shattering lyric.

It'south a lyric that demands you put your back into information technology.

Information technology'due south perfection.

Every bit long equally you don't keep listening.

Here's why the song is actually pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of "When a Homo Loves a Woman," we know that, at to the lowest degree on occasion, a man loves a woman.

Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?

He'd give up all his comforts

And slumber out in the rain

If she said that'due south the way

It ought to be.

Whoa! OK. No. Support. A man, no matter how devoted, no matter how selfless, no affair how in dearest, needs shelter. Otherwise, a man will die of exposure and hypothermia.

Plough his back on his best friend if he put her down.

No! Jeez. No. A man can't put upward with that kind of isolating behavior. A man needs friends! One time a homo's whole back up system erodes out from under him, a man volition be bitter, ungrounded, and lonely. And a man'due south mental health volition deteriorate.

I gave you everything I have

Tryin' to concur on to your heartless dear

Baby, please don't treat me bad.

This is not what happens "when a homo loves a woman." It'southward what happens when a man loves a decision-making, manipulative woman. An calumniating woman. A woman who, in truth, only loves a woman. Herself.

"It's Chris or me." Photo by geralt/Pixabay.

And that'southward non good for you.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! We're hither for you lot.

(Side notation: Lest it become unsaid, at that place is way more than than i style for a man to love a woman. Mayhap they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the nose. Maybe they sleep in carve up bedrooms. Maybe they dress upwards in large, plush true cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a man loves a man, I imagine it feels much the aforementioned. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of commitment, living situation, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, in that location's no one-size-fits-all love solution. Every relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. At that place's more than than one fashion to peel a cat. A spoonful of carbohydrate helps the medicine go down.

It doesn't matter if it'southward the right metaphor, equally long equally it'southward a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Point existence: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And delight, seek help! You tin do this! And if yous ever detect yourself in a similar situation, please give these people a call.

6. "All I Wanna Exercise is Make Honey to You," Heart

Honestly, Eye could sing a listing of the most popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/Globe'due south All-time Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and information technology would make me want to bark my eyes out in the arms of a tall, dark stranger at the end of a pier.

This song is perfect. You should always be listening to information technology. If yous're not listening to it now, smack yourself in the face and Google information technology. Information technology's just that important.

I am singing the phone book. You are weeping similar a tiny baby. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.

And so much passion. And then much hurting. So much hair.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Heart sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a key tribute to the one truthful romantic fantasy shared past every living being on Globe: picking upwards an unnervingly attractive man for ane night of mind-blowing sexual activity and and so releasing him back into the wild to bone — merely never quite as compellingly ever over again.

They sing:

It was a rainy night when he came into sight

Standing past the road, no umbrella, no coat

So I pulled up aslope and I offered him a ride

He accepted with a grin and then we drove for a while

I don't have to go on because you know what happens next, and it'south awesome.

"I but sit in this cabin. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photograph by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.

Now, hither'southward why this song is non romantic at all:

The human relationship in "All I Wanna Exercise" seems too good to be true. And it is. Considering it'south not an as loving ,or even equally lusty, pairing at all.

It's a...

Information technology's a...

Well. Y'all know what it is:

Good at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photo by Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are humming along just fine, like whatsoever wholesome, illicit, anonymous affair should:

I didn't ask him his name, this lonely male child in the rain

Fate, tell me information technology'south right, is this love at first sight?

Certain, many of us might hesitate to option upward a strange leather-jacket-clad man standing on the side of the route for a no-strings-attached screw, but our narrator just has a feeling nearly this guy, and sometimes, you gotta go with your gut.

I can respect that.

We made magic that night

He did everything correct

Bully! Seems like it was a adept conclusion. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big time.

But then, without alert, the song starts to audio less like an all-time great romance and more like a story men'southward rights activists tell each other as they vape effectually a bivouac:

I told him "I am the blossom, you lot are the seed

We walked in the garden, we planted a tree

Don't try to detect me, delight don't you dare

Just live in my retentivity, yous'll always exist there"

I'm not a poet. Symbolic language oftentimes eludes me. But unless "flower," "seed," "garden," and "tree," suddenly mean wildly different things in the context of human reproduction than they have since sex activity was first invented in the early-1970s, we're talking most a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

HELLO! Photograph past Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.

Of form, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. Yous might exist tempted to think, "Maybe Heart meant something else past that."

To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:

Then it happened i day

We came round the same style

You tin can imagine his surprise

When he saw his own eyes

At that place are two possibilities here.

One: The narrator of the vocal is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York City subway advertizement from nine years ago:

Photo by eyedonation.org.

Or ii: She totally conned a dude into whipping up a baby on the sly.

I said, "Please, please sympathize

Ah, sure. Yeah. No worries.

I'm in dearest with another man

Cool, so this all makes sense and is in no mode the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has now wrecked not one merely two lives.

And what he couldn't give me, oh, no

Was the one footling matter that you lot tin can"

A HUMAN LIFE! A REAL SENTIENT HUMAN LIFE THAT IS Non INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The all-time you tin say about that is that it's not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should have been responsible for his ain birth control. Or, at the very least, asked more questions .

But ... information technology'south not cute. Information technology's not romantic (even the Wilson sisters themselves concur).

And at the stop of the day, the shadiest graphic symbol in this song is somehow non the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the dark.

Which... is saying something.

Merely there is a dearest song that is truly, madly, deeply perfect. An unassailable runway in a sea of problematic faves.

A song that does everything right.

A vocal that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership built to last.

A song that can double as a manual for the ideal homo romantic human relationship.

And that vocal is...

"Candy Store," by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia

Here'south why yous might be — OK, virtually definitely are — skeptical:

50 Cent (L) and that guy. You know, that guy? That guy! Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

As catchy as "Processed Shop" is, equally fun it is to trip the light fantastic to, and equally cathartic as it tin exist to scream in the heart of a crowded fraternity house at 2 a.m., in that location's no getting around the fact that the song begins like this:

I'll take y'all to the candy shop

I'll let you lick the lollipop

I'll mail service that once more, in case you missed some of the nuance:

I'll take you lot to the candy store

I'll let you lick the lollipop

Mode to take ane for the team, narrator of "Candy Store"!

At beginning glance, "Candy Store" is nobody's thought of a archetype honey vocal.

The lyrics are ... unusually forward. The beat is kinda basic. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in "Homeland."

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."

It doesn't go played much anymore. When it does resurface, it feels ... kinda dated. Like watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Burn" on your new Xbox 360.

Information technology's non a vocal you lot'd put on a mixtape for your crush. Information technology'south non a song you lot'd play for your spouse when the kids are at abode with the babysitter and y'all've got nine hours to tear upwardly the Piscataway Hampton Inn. Information technology's certainly not a song you lot'd include on the video photograph montage you made for your grandparents' silvery anniversary.

It'south simply not.

Merely information technology should be.

So here it is. Here'southward why "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is really the perfect human relationship vocal:

You lot wanna back that affair up or should I push up on information technology? Photo by ionasnicolae/Pixabay.

The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission slip. It's only been twenty seconds, and you're already getting ready to hang it upwards with "Candy Store."

But then ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the course of a female vocalisation joining the runway, cutting through the din similar a clarion phone call.

She sings:

I'll take you to the candy store (yes)

Boy, 1 gustation of what I got (uh-huh)

I'll have you spendin' all you lot got (come on)

Keep going 'til you hit the spot, whoa

Information technology's mutual! It's common! They're performing oral sex on each other!

Band the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Go, cunnilingus doves, go! Photo by liz westward/Flickr.

50 Cent himself may not be the world's greatest partner — for example, according to one of his exes, he's done some pretty unforgivable things.

But the narrator of "Processed Shop"? He gets it:

You could have it your way, how exercise you desire information technology?

Rather than only imposing his desires on the person he's with — a la the dude in "God Only Knows ("I'm going to invest my entire sense of self-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'chiliad going to treat yous like a chest full of gold doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Do is Brand Dear to You," ("I'm going to trick you into knocking me upwards!") — the "Candy Shop" guy actually asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the world of pop music, is good for about 50,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to exercise it? The hotel? Back of the rental? The beach? The park?

Information technology's whatever you're into

'Cause consent is sexy!

I own't finished teaching yous 'bout how sprung I got ya

The narrator of "Candy Shop" is certainly ... assertive about his desires.

But here'southward the key thing: the lady on the receiving cease of those desires? She's clearly into it. And nosotros know this because she says then.

The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are vivid red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly pasty club floor.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo past Grim23/Wikimedia Eatables.

Girl what we do ...

And where nosotros practice ...

The things nosotros exercise ...

Are just between me and y'all

No matter how nasty they freak, it will exist intimate. It will be private. There volition be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you be a nympho, I'll exist a nympho

Sexual compatibility is key to the survival of whatsoever relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very maybe in the example of "Processed Shop") minutes long.

She may have a loftier sex drive, but dude is graciously offering to suit her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids only might go the distance afterwards all.

And at the end of the day, what is a relationship but two nymphos, sharing health insurance?

Cheers, Obamacare! Photo by Wonderlane/Flickr.

It's similar it's a race who could become undressed quicker

Again, everybody is having a great time. And, critically, an equally great time.

I touch the correct spot at the right time

Of course, it wouldn't exist a pop/hip-hop hitting without a spot of random humbug, only if we're to take him at his discussion, "Candy Shop" guy is at least as skillful at "doing everything right" as the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You" — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.

The "Candy Shop" guy is a keeper. Because he's not a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering love god. He's a adept partner.

"Candy Store" is raunchy. Information technology's dirty. It's not your grandmother's love vocal.

But when yous strip away the swagger, the back crush, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Center Eastern Music 1993," by the end of the vocal, both people are satisfied. And at the end of the day, isn't that what a healthy human relationship is all well-nigh?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Photograph by Francois Durand/Getty Images.

So seductive.

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Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is

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